Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Bad blogger

When I started this thing, my intention was to do daily postings with a musing or two and, of course, updates on Sage. I have NOT held up my end of the bargain and hope to make a renewed effort tonight. My plan is to try to post every night after the little monkey falls asleep ... which could be anywhere from 8:00 - 10:00 pm. Like everything else in my life, I'll take care of it around her life and her needs. So, I promise, I will be more diligent in my posting and musings. I have seen other blogs in the last couple of days that makes me feel very inferior in the effort I have made.

I do wonder when those people sleep. Maybe it's a sign that I'm getting older ... maybe it's motherhood and my bodies natural instinct to get more rest to enable me to care for Sage better, but I've got to tell you ... I always crave sleep. I used to crave normal things; caffeine, nicotine, cheesecake, sex. Sometimes in that order, sometimes not, but they were normal everyday cravings. Now it's SLEEP ... sweet, blissful sleep. Does it ever stop? Do you finally get used to your new routine and living at the whim of a little person, or do you always have this new craving? One that supercedes all other cravings and at times becomes a driving force in your life! It's not like Sage doesn't sleep through the night ... she does. Maybe it's the new waking time of 5:00 a.m., to make sure that I am ready and able to care for her in the morning, that has me so out of whack. I've never been a morning person and always hated waking up. Now, I love waking up and waiting for her to finally open her eyes and grin at me, but I'm so friggin' tired!

Thing is, it wouldn't be all that big of a deal, but I usually feel bad when I go to bed at night. Between having a new baby, Cody's baseball schedule and the occasional running for either PJ or Kaylie, there isn't much time to spend with Pete. He always stays up late and I'm just too tired to stay up with him. I miss the time that we used to spend together, and want more of it, but it's impossible to not climb those stairs, fall into bed and wait for slumber to overtake me in minutes because I know that the alarm is going to go off at that dreaded 5:00 a.m. and I don't want to be too tired to give Sage the attention she needs in the morning before I take her to the babysitter ... whose name is Phyllis by the way. I don't want to be rushed because I didn't get up when I was supposed to. It makes the entire day crappy. Rushed in the morning, late to work which leads to "looks" from my boss, which lead to me getting an attitude (which I don't hide easily) and then my boss gets an attitude and it's just all downhill from there.

And, of course, on those bad days, I just KNOW with every fiber of my being that when I get home I will either have a bad report from Kaylies' teacher or PJ will be up to his "I really do turn my homework in" shannigans when it's clearly obvious that he doesn't because he has a big fat F for the class ... and I just want to go crawl in a hole where I'm not going to get some fabricated story about "well David kicked me, so I hit him" when I have already gotten the entire story from a third party and know that Kaylie was 9 times out of 10 the one to instigate whatever has gotten her into trouble ... or the blank stare, more commonly known as the "deer in headlights" look that I get from PJ whenever I ask him why he's not turning in his homework.

I just don't get it. I love my kids ... and yes, I did say MY kids, they are mine. I didn't give birth to them, but those that did really haven't done much else for them in their lives. Leslie is a better mother than I was led to believe, given the chance to actually be a mom to the boys, but Natalie is no better than the roadkill I tried, unsuccessfully, to avoid getting on my tires this morning. But I am regressing here, which you will notice I do a lot ... again, I just don't get it. My kids are great. They usually have manners (except at the dinner table, when one of the boys will without doubt have a sudden attack of gas) ... they are caring ... they pick at each other like normal siblings ... all normal kid stuff. What I don't get is the lying for no reason other than to lie. That's all I can define it as because they know, without doubt, that one ... I will know they are lying ... and two ... I'm going to blow my top when they do it. So, why do it? I still can't find a reasonable explanation. They don't do it to everyone else! Is it a step-mom test that I am completely failing or haven't learned the lesson of yet? What the hell is up? If anyone knows ... please let me know ... 'cause I swear, I have a lot of soaps in the house and I'm not afraid to use them. I don't want to resort to washing their mouths out with soap, but will if I have to. And to be honest ... I don't see it having any affect other than Kaylie and PJ having extremely clean colons and the possibility that they will be giving bubble displays upon passing gas well into their 30's with their propensity for lying.


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